It’s not just apologies that need rules for doing them well.

Last year at this time, I wrote about the fact that Thanksgiving is the only holiday with a verb in it, that tells us how to celebrate it. Give thanks.
 
W. J. Cameron: "Thanksgiving, after all, is a word of action."
 
I shared some of the ideas others had suggested for giving thanks at the holiday celebration—taking turns around the table, writing down one thing you’re thankful for and sharing them, and other thankful demonstrations that would fit perfectly in a Hallmark Christmas movie (I’m a sucker for a good heart-warming Hallmark Christmas movie).
 
I also wrote about how thankful I was for the help I’d been getting as I recovered from shoulder surgery (a huge thanks again to all those great people, who would have fit well into that Hallmark movie where the townspeople step up to help the independent woman who insists on going it alone! Update: my athletic injury is completely healed after six months of physical therapy—thanks Andrea, my super physical therapist!)
 
Less fitting in the Hallmark movie (unless said by the evil corporate drone or the self-involved boyfriend who’s about to be dumped) is the “humble brag” that’s a thank you for seeing how awesome I am!
 
“Thank you to all the students who wrote such nice things on their evaluations. You help keep me going.”

“Thanks to all the colleagues who wrote support letters for my big award. I wouldn’t have received it without you”
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“Big shout out to Susie, our wonderful travel agent, who planned such an incredible two week trip through Italy”
 
Before I get sucked into all the generic markers of a Hallmark Christmas movie (surely a topic for another post soon), I want to focus on the simpler version of thanks that I wrote about—the every day “thanks” we say to people we encounter all day long, maybe sometimes without really meaning it.
 
Thanks again to Deepak Singh for his article in the Atlantic about the differences between saying thanks in the US and in India.

Deepak Singh contrasted our everyday thanks to the deep meaningfulness of saying thank you in India, something you do only with sincerity and a desire to do something in return.
 
I’ve been trying to shift my casual “thanks” to a genuine “thank you,” and I think I’ve figured out a few “rules” for making the simple thanks register a bit more on the person thanked and have a bit more impact. I think of these as rules for thanking like Harriet Lerner’s rules for apologizing well (here’s her book and my posts on apologies).

Here were her rules for a good apology, from her column in Psychology Today "You Call THAT an Apology,":

• sincere, genuine
• no "but"s (as in, "I'm sorry, but here's my excuse")
• specific about your own actions
• commitment not to repeat the offending action​

​So let me give it a try.
​
What makes a good everyday thank you:

• Sincere, genuine (no sarcastic “gee, thanks” allowed)
• No “but”s (as in “Thank you, but I would have preferred you left the light on”)
• Specific about the action you’re thankful for
• Makes a connection with the person you’re thanking

Simple, right? "I really am sincerely thankful that you picked up that pen I dropped." "I genuinely thank you for pouring coffee for me." "I thank you for holding the door open for me when you saw how many bags I was carrying."
 
I’ve already been working on getting rid of the sarcastic thanks: “Thanks for letting the door slam in my face, pal.” And I’m getting better at skipping the thank you buts. No more “thanks for washing my cup but I wasn’t finished with it yet,” If I don’t like someone cleaning up after me or opening the door for me, I just don’t say thank you. I can say something else, but not an insincere “thanks.”
 
Being specific about the action doesn’t take many extra words. “Thanks for getting my pen!” “Thank you for the coffee.” But I find being specific usually goes along with the last requirement of a good everyday thank you—making a connection with the person you’re thanking. And that takes a little bit more effort.
 
Connecting with the person you’re thanking usually takes only eye contact. Looking the person in the eye as she hands your pen back when you say the genuine, “Thank you.” Pausing at the door long enough to look at the person holding it—or getting them to look up from their phone—before saying straight to their eyes, “Thank you!”
 
Adding some enthusiasm usually helps make that thank you more meaningful. We’re so used to tossing off “thanks” hither and yon that we can tell when someone is genuinely and with awareness thanking us for what we’ve done. So often just “Thank you!” with that exclamation mark spoken aloud makes a good everyday thanks.

​Now be warned: just as Lerner says an apologizer shouldn’t expect forgiveness, a thanker shouldn’t expect a “you’re welcome.” Besides, you’re much more likely to get a “No problem.” And that’s part of my point here. It WAS a problem. You DID do something that I appreciate. Just let me thank you for it. (I know, I know, the “no problem” is just another way of completing the exchange, but I’m talking about having “thank you” have more of an impact on the person thanked).
 
So I like it when my sincere-specific-with-eye-contact-and-enthusiasm “thank you” gets a non-automatic, not-routine response of any kind. “You’re welcome,” said sincerely, is a good one. But don’t expect it. It’s just nice when it happens.
 
Why go to all the trouble? After all, it’s not really like an apology, where you have done something bad and need to acknowledge the hurt you’ve caused. But someone has done something good, even just a little thing, and it helps to acknowledge the pleasure the person has caused.
 
Our daily interactions are the ones that make a difference in our moods, our sense of connection with others, our social expectations and even our beliefs about the goodness (or badness) of people. Daily kindnesses can go a long way, and so can daily acknowledgment of those kindnesses. (I warned you I could be a bit sappy as well as independent. Cue the Hallmark movie music)
 
Since we already in America say thank you all the time, as Singh pointed out, let’s make it count.
 
So yes, I hope you can use Thanksgiving to give thanks to your families and friends and the people important to you.

And I hope we can use every day to give thanks to the strangers we encounter and the little acts of kindness in our shared inhabiting of the world.
 
Day to day, let’s give good thanks.
 
Happy thanksgiving. And thank you, dear readers, for reading to the end!

Do we need Thanksgiving? Americans already say thank you all the time.
 
Have you noticed that Thanksgiving is the only major US holiday that is an action? 
 
Thanksgiving----thanks giving----giving thanks
 
Take a look at Federal public holidays in the US, and you'll see no other actions
New Year’s Day
Martin Luther King, Jr. Day
George Washington’s Birthday
Independence Day
Labor Day
Veterans Day
Thanksgiving
Christmas
 
Even though Labor Day refers to Labor, it doesn’t tell us to do labor on Labor Day.
 
Same for popular holidays that aren’t Federal days off work
Easter
Mother’s Day
Father’s Day
Memorial Day
Halloween

​not even
Groundhog Day
Valentine’s Day
Super Bowl Sunday

Of course, we do stuff on every holiday, but only Thanksgiving tells us exactly what to do in its very name. Give thanks.
 
So how do we give thanks in the US on Thanksgiving day? And what for?

You can buy a Thanksgiving card of course. Greeting card companies don’t miss a chance to sell a card for every holiday. But it’s not very common to send what Charles Schulz callsturkey cards. I’m with Snoopy in thinking I’ve never received one

Search “Thanksgiving” and you’ll find, alongside the recipes for turkey and candied yams, plenty of articles with suggestions for how to give thanks, especially how to give thanks to God.  Magazine articles and blog posts offer ideas for hosts to encourage giving thanks when the family gathers around the Thanksgiving table.

• Each family member takes a turn to say what they’re thankful for
• The host leaves a note place card at each seat at the table saying why they’re thankful for that guest
• Fill a gratitude basket with notes from each person about something they’re thankful for 
• Guests write what they’re thankful for on paper drink tags attached to their wineglasses (this one might be my favorite. I could write on my drink tag “wine”) 

You can even give thanks through music. Amazon Prime Music offered a #Gratitude playlist to “travel safe and give thanks with songs for the whole family” 

From the number of articles offering advice, you’d think we have trouble giving thanks on Thanksgiving. We do, of course. The holiday’s name may tell us to give thanks, but the usual holiday’s practices tell us to gather with family and friends, eat huge quantities of food, and watch football.

Makes me thankful just thinking about it

We don't seem to have trouble giving thanks on other days of the year. In fact, in the US we say thank you all the time. 

In English we have lots of ways of saying thank you. The websiteMy English Teacher offers 112 phrases for saying thank you, though most are just variations on thank you, I appreciate it, thanks so much.

In an article in the Atlantic, Deepak Singh shows how common it is in America to say thank you, in great contrast to his upbringing in India.

That certainly sounds familiar to me. On a recent day, I thanked the nice guy who held the door open for me, my partner for pouring me a cup of coffee, the student who picked up the pen I dropped, and the receptionist on the phone who made an appointment for me. I thank people all day long.
 
But our American style of thanking people all day long is not the same as giving thanks.

Singh contrast American’s habit of thanking everyone for everything with the Hindu practice of reserving thanks for huge favors. In the Hindi culture, Singh writes, gratitude is unspoken and, when it is spoken, is offered with sincerity and a desire “to return the favor.”
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“Saying dhanyavaad, or ‘thank you’ in Hindi, would almost be sarcastic. It seems inadequate.”
 
My last three weeks spent in a shoulder sling have made me aware again of the difference between routine thank you’s and giving thanks. I’ve given thanks for my partner who has not only poured me a cup of coffee but made every meal, refilled my ice pack, driven me anywhere I needed to go, and offered sympathy whenever I looked pitiful. I suppose I should even give thanks for his help strapping me into the torture sling. I’ve given thanks for my friends and students who’ve not only picked up my dropped pen but brought me frozen casseroles, conducted class without me, stopped by my office on the way to class to offer to carry things for me, and regularly expressed concern and asked how I’m doing—even when they’re feeling pressed by their own papers due soon.
 
I haven’t needed Thanksgiving to remind me to give thanks this year.

But I also value the everyday thank you’s that Singh seems to dismiss as trivial and insincere. My thanks are genuine to the door holder, the appointment maker, the coffee pourer, the pen picker upper. And I feel appreciated when someone thanks me for the small things we do for each other throughout a day.
 
Sure, it’s nice to pay special attention to the people in our lives who make our lives richer. But maybe it’s hard to give thanks on Thanksgiving day to these people closest to us because we are thanking them simply for being. “I’m grateful that you’re in my life.” “I’m thankful to have such a supportive partner.” “Thank you for being a friend.”
 
With that last line triggering the music from the TV show Friends to play annoyingly in my head, let's  counter the sappiness by adding in the ways thank you’s are not always so genuine.
 
Singh offers one example, ”Initially I was surprised when people thanked me for visiting their house when they were the ones who’d invited me, but then I learned that, ‘Thank you for coming to my home’ actually meant, ‘It’s time for you to get out of my house.’”
 
Sarcastic thank you’s are pretty common.
 
“Thanks for holding the door open,” I might have hollered at the able-bodied guy at the next doorway who dropped the door closed in my face
 
“Gee, thanks,” when told a colleague suggested your name for one more committee assignment
 
“Thanks for taking my side,” said to your silent partner after a heated exchange about politics with the family gathered around the Thanksgiving table

​Sometimes the real action behind apparently giving thanks is more subtle. One favorite of mine at the moment is the humble brag, seen more than occasionally on Twitter or Facebook. Humble braggers find lots of ways to announce their achievements while pretending to be humble. Check out @humblebrag on Twitter for wonderful examples.
 
One way to humblebrag is to seem to be thanking someone:
“Thank you to all the students who wrote such nice things on their evaluations. You help keep me going.”
“Thanks to all the colleagues who wrote support letters for my big award. I wouldn’t have received it without you”
“Big shout out to Susie, our wonderful travel agent, who planned such an incredible two week trip through Italy”

Search #humblebrag and “thanks” on twitter and you can scroll down hundreds of tweets both thanking people for something great and acknowledging its other action with #humblebrag

But Thanksgiving arrives this week, and the holiday name itself demands we give genuine thanks. Whether a card to a friend or a turn saying thanks to family and friends around the table, it doesn’t hurt us to give thanks. It might make us happier. And it will definitely help us celebrate Thanksgiving as the name tells us to.

Still, I want to appreciate, too, the small thanks that I give and receive every day. Sure, they’re different from the big thanks given to family and friends for making my life better. But the daily thank you’s to family, friends, and acquaintances help create that intimacy we later give thanks for. Same with the thanks we give to strangers who act kindly—those thank you's acknowledge our community, our watching out for one another, and a willingness to hold the door open for anyone.
 
That’s worth giving thanks for.