The 12 Genres of Christmas

Scary Santa decoration, photo by Allen, flickr

Ah, the many genres that help make Christmas what it is.
 
‘Tis the season for holidays and all the genres that go along with them—like Christmas cards and Hannukah blessings—and the associated language—like writing “’Tis” and singing “fa la la.” I’m a sucker for all things Christmas, from Christmas music to Christmas movies, but I can admit the season has its down sides, too.
 
In honor of the season, I’ve written my own version of the Christmas carol “The Twelve Days of Christmas”--“The Twelve Genres of Christmas,” with many liberties taken.

If you can make it to the end of this repetitive song, you’ll find my second, even more Scrooge-like variation on the lyrics. I almost included my own badly sung audio version, in the spirit of the season—a time for doing things for others and making a fool of yourself in public. But after listening to a test run I decided to delete it as my gift to you.  If any of you would like to send me your own recording of my lyrics, I'll happily add it to this post.
 
For more professional—and funnier—versions of this traditional Christmas carol, check out the links in a column in The Atlantic from last year, including a Muppets version and a classic drunk version by Fay McKay. Or watch one of my favorite parodies (love the genre) by the old Canadian characters Bob and Doug, animated version:

Note that many versions of the lyrics have the gifts “sent,” but I grew up singing “gave,” so “gave” it is.
 
Without further ado, I give you
 
The Twelve Genres of Christmas
 as interpreted by Amy Devitt

In the first genre of Christmas,
The season gave to me
A shopping list eleven pages long
 
In the second genre of Christmas,
The season gave to me
Two flight reservations
And a shopping list eleven pages long
 
In the third genre of Christmas,
The season gave to me
Three Santa letters
Two flight reservations
And a shopping list eleven pages long
 
In the fourth genre of Christmas,
The season gave to me
Four light displays
Three Santa letters
Two flight reservations
And a shopping list eleven pages long
 
In the fifth genre of Christmas,
The season gave to me
Five to-do lists!
Four light displays
Three Santa letters
Two flight reservations
And a shopping list eleven pages long
 
In the sixth genre of Christmas,
The season gave to me
Sixteen checkout lines
Five to-do lists!
Four light displays
Three Santa letters
Two flight reservations
And a shopping list eleven pages long
 
In the seventh genre of Christmas,
The season gave to me
Seventy online orders
Sixteen checkout lines
Five to-do lists!
Four light displays
Three Santa letters
Two flight reservations
And a shopping list eleven pages long
 
In the eighth genre of Christmas,
The season gave to me
Eighty cards unwritten
Seventy online orders
Sixteen checkout lines
Five to-do lists!
Four light displays
Three Santa letters
Two flight reservations
And a shopping list eleven pages long
 
In the ninth genre of Christmas,
The season gave to me
Ninety Hallmark movies
Eighty cards unwritten
Seventy online orders
Sixteen checkout lines
Five to-do lists!
Four light displays
Three Santa letters
Two flight reservations
And a shopping list eleven pages long
 
In the tenth genre of Christmas,
The season gave to me
Ten holiday parties
Ninety Hallmark movies
Eighty cards unwritten
Seventy online orders
Sixteen checkout lines
Five to-do lists!
Four light displays
Three Santa letters
Two flight reservations
And a shopping list eleven pages long
 
In the eleventh genre of Christmas,
The season gave to me
Eleven drunken toastings
Ten holiday parties
Ninety Hallmark movies
Eighty cards unwritten
Seventy online orders
Sixteen checkout lines
Five to-do lists!
Four light displays
Three Santa letters
Two flight reservations
And a shopping list eleven pages long
 
In the twelfth genre of Christmas,
The season gave to me
Twelve Christmas carols
Eleven drunken toastings
Ten holiday parties
Ninety Hallmark movies
Eighty cards unwritten
Seventy online orders
Sixteen checkout lines
Five to-do lists!
Four light displays
Three Santa letters
Two flight reservations
And a shopping list eleven pages long

via GIPHY

And now for one last, most cynical, revised version of the last verse, to be sung after the holidays are over:
 
In the twelve genres of Christmas, the season gave to me
Twelve forgotten lyrics
Eleven awkward conversations
Ten family fights
Nine sappy endings
Eight bragging letters
Seven missing packages
Six busted budgets
Five billion to-do lists!
$400 electric bills
Three bad mall Santas
Two cancelled flights
And a credit card bill eleven pages long
 
Happy holidays, everyone!

Season Greetings, CameliaTWU, flickr